As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
