Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
