I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
