Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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