Can i not drive my cunt home
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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