During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
