But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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