Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
