I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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