I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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