her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
