Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
