I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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