There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
