U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
