I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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