So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
His hands were made for my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
A+ Viking dick
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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