Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
