I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Randomize
