go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
