I wish my penis had an off switch
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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