I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
