Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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