Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
