Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
