Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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