I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
