I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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