i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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