I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
