I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
