I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
