i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
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