thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
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