Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
