Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
