When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
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