I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
