I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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