I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
