Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
