i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
