The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
