This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
