The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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