I'm jealous of your bromance
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
