worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
