I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
