I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
