3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
