Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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