I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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