Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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