just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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