if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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