Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
