Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
