checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
