I wanna bring you to show and tell
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
