i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
