My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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